Saturday, 29 April 2017

Ted Terrier’s Dogifesto

Mrs Theresa May – Prime Minister - has called a general election, which means that all the people who now have a seat in parliament stop having a seat - and all the people – older than 18 – in the United Kingdom – which is not very united at all at the moment – decide who will get to sit in those seats again or for the first time. I have never had a seat in parliament - but I like sitting especially next to humans and if you are the prime minister you get to sit with many other humans and make decisions about how to take care of problems that humans have in this country. I like to take care of humans’ problems and make them feel better and Emma said she thought I’d be very good at it cos I love human beings. To stand for prime minister I have to have party. I love parties – lots of playing and eating and fun – oh apparently that’s not what this sort of party is - it’s a group of people who have the same views about what is good for the people of the country. Well humans seem not to ever be able to agree about what is good for them cos they think different things are good for them cos they all have different kinds of muddled thinking. So maybe I better form a dog party cos dogs all have just the right amount of intelligence to not muddle things and so make decisions which are simple and helpful and all dogs love humans so they can all love them with me. Emma says I have to give the party a name so I will call it The Dogs Love Humans Party. Members of Parliament argue a lot - they ask each other questions, which the other person never answers as though they have not listened to it – and then they may start to shout and the speaker – who does less speaking than anybody else but tells other people to speak – calls ‘Order’. I think the speaker needs to be a dog too and bark at the ones who are not in order - and then he can show who gets to speak next by running over to them and giving them a kiss, which would calm them down and maybe then they won’t get so upset about their different types of muddled thinking. I think I would be a good prime minister cos I listen and I am clear about what I think and feel so you would not be confused about what I was planning to do. Also a dog always tells the truth. Emma is laughing and says that would make me a bad politician cos all politicians lie or cover up the truth – but she says it’s what this country needs to have someone tell them the truth.
So for you to decide if you want to vote for The Dogs Love Humans Party I have to write a manifesto for it but cos I am a dog and not a man, I will write a dogifesto.
The Economy: There seems to be a minus amount of money in the county so the first thing we will do is reduce that by putting more in. As the Beatles – the singers not the insects - said ‘Money can’t buy me Love’ but Love can make you feel Rich so that’s what we’d borrow from cos Dogs have lots of love and we feel very happy giving it to humans.
Health and Education: The most important thing is for people to be well and looked after. The main thing The Dogs Love Humans Party will do is love them and help them not be stressed by showing them that life can be fun and by helping them to relax. That will mean that they will be ill less anyway and it does not cost any money at all. We can also diagnose some illnesses so we will do that so humans and expensive machines don’t have to do it. Humans train dogs and we can train them back too. Children learn better when it is fun so we will add dog assistants into classrooms too and they will be free and make the human teachers jobs easier so they will be less stressed and work better and so fewer will be needed so less money needed.
Families and Communities: We will make sure every family has a dog in it to play, to add fun and laughter, to help with tasks around the house and outside - for anyone who can’t see, - for anyone who can’t hear, - for anyone who can’t get around, be companions for anyone who is lonely, help anyone whose mind is not healthy by listening and being their therapist. In the community we will visit in hospitals and residential homes and if people are bad we will help human police to keep them in order again as the speaker says.
Britain’s Interests in the World: The world is full of people with muddled thinking. Being a person means you have muddled thinking. We dogs love you all very much and want to help. As a result of that muddled thinking all sorts of things have happened in the world, that harm humans and other species living in it. There’s all sorts of rules human beings set in different parts of the world and as a result people decide they want ‘in’ or ‘out’ of that and get all confused about what is best for them. Dogs would make things so much simpler and heal rather than harm.
Finally: I promise not to be a ‘dogtator’ or a ‘muttwump’, but a fair leader of the pack. None of the other parties would be willing to be a part of a coalition but dogs have always coalised with humans and we will continue to do so, so will work with any human party for the good of the United Kingdom and the World.
Love and Licks, Ted (with secretary Emma) XOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

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