Tuesday, 5 June 2012

The Queen's Diamond Jubilee

Me and Emma have spent the last three days watching the Queen getting a diamond jubilee. We watched it on television cos there were a lot of people going outside to the different places that the Queen went and it was cold and wet and so it might have been hard to see anything cos of all those other people also trying to see, and also we might have got very cold and wet and then ill. Prince Philip - who is the Queen's husband but not a King cos she is a woman who can't make him King but if she was a man he'd be her Queen - did go on the boat on the river Thames, but then after that he did get ill so it was good that we decided not to go. I am ill anyway with Cushing's disease - which doesn't mean that it is the disease that belongs to Cushing and he was mean and gave it to me - but maybe means that it was someone called Cushing who invented it: Emma just said that's wrong too cos people don't usually invent diseases - though they might if they are baddies in horror films or terrorists so it's not such a silly idea that I thought that was it - but they name them by their own name if they discover them. I am now wondering how he discovered it. Maybe he did when he was in horror films cos it does feel quite horrific to the person or animal who is being Cushinged. It made me lose hair and stop running around and my legs wouldn't work properly and I felt sleepy and sad and very hungry even though I had an increasingly big belly. Maybe it puts an alien inside you that eats all the food you eat so you never feel like you've had enough to eat. And then eats your muscles too so they don't work, and bits of your hair and your happiness too. It also makes you drink a lot and pee a lot. Prince Philip has a bladder infection which means that his pee could be more or less too and may hurt - maybe he got Cushinged on the river. My humans were very upset and worried that I'd been Cushinged. Emma spent a very long time taking me to see the vet for her to take the Cushing away. I got excited when we went to the car, even though I was ill, but then I knew where we were going when we were in the car and I got scared and shook and Emma kept telling me it was okay but I knew it wasn't. The vet is nice and so are the other people there but they keep taking blood from me like vampires - so maybe that's the connection with Peter Cushing - and then Emma made me eat pills. They taste very nasty and so she kept trying to fool me by hiding them in other things to eat. She first tried babybel cheese - that was very good cos I like it very much - but sometimes I'd remember that she was tricking me and so I wouldn't eat it, and other times I ate the whole thing and got even fatter. And then she tried a doggy treat which is specially made to put pills in but it's chewy and so I chewed it, and then the pill and it tasted horrible so I wasn't going to chew that again. Now she hides it in a little of my food - and I don't get any more until I have eaten that little bit, and I do want more, so I do what she wants and eat it up, and then Emma thinks she has fooled me but she hasn't but she tells me I'm a good boy and I like that and so does she so we're both pleased.
As I said before we were watching the Queen getting her diamond jubilee for three days. As fas as I can work out the diamond jubilee is a very special diamond indeed and the people wanted to give it to the Queen as a treat for 'reigning over us' - as humans sing a lot, so she leads them along with reigns - which must be invisible cos we can't see them - reigns are like dog leads for horses, so she is leading her humans along, just like I do with Emma when I take her for a walk, though she thinks she is taking me. As well as singing a lot about 'reigning over us' and God saving her - God is dog backwards! - the people also said the  Queen is a selfless servant - so am I so I should be getting a diamond jubilee too but Emma says I am already a diamond so I don't need to get one. The Queen and her family looked for the diamond jubilee by standing in a boat that went along the river Thames, which is the big river in London, and they did that for four hours, and so did people in nine hundred and ninety nine other boats of all sorts of shapes and sizes and ways of moving through the water too, and then many people watched them do it from either side of the river, and all the people on television too, and they cheered and waved and the Queen waved back, and some people sang to her even though they were very wet cos it was raining a lot. The best bit for me, and for the Queen too cos she got so excited like me, was Joey the Warhorse running along the roof of the National Theatre and jumping up on his hind legs, like I do when I get myself ready for a human hug. So that was Sunday and nobody can have found the diamond cos on Monday they were looking for it again except this time they had a big concert of Sirs and Dames singing in front of the Queen's home, and came out to look too and there were very many people all cheering and dancing and waving flags and then they were very happy indeed cos the Queen found a great big diamond that she lit a fire with! There are also people running round the place with another fire that they keep passing between each other and that's gonna happen for 70 days and then they will all play games with each other that include more running. Maybe by then I can join in cos my running is getting better again. So I thought that was it with the Queen and her diamond but then there was more today when the Queen and her family met in a big church and other sorts of songs were sung to her, but the best part for me this time was when they went home again - and also lots of people cheered again and waved again - she was in a carriage and there were lots and lots of horses and I got very excited and ran up to the TV and barked a lot. When she went home the Queen found she had a lot of diamonds there already so maybe all the parties were just to show her what she already had all along but she has done it all very well anyway. I like her cos she loves horses and dogs.

Love and Licks, Ted and Emma XOXOXOXOX